Overheard in Ambrosden Avenue:
"A number of complaints about the new CES document..."
"Bin!"
"A letter from the Collective of English Prostitutes, asking for equal treatment. Their children often suffer bullying in Catholic schools, and if you are rehabilitating adulterers, gays, lesbians, what about them? They point out that Christ liked them, and they have adademic allies who could provide the intellectual case for the Oldest Profession. And the Grauniad would, of course, approve."
"Yes, one to think about, certainly."
"Similarly from the League of British Abortionists. They point out that whilst you may disagree with their profession, who are you to judge? And that as long as they all do their work in good conscience, dedicated to helping women in distress, they are clearly not committing mortal sin. So why should their children be told that their parents are doing anything wrong: that lacks charity. And again, both academic fig leaves and positive coverage in the Grauniad are guaranteed."
"Hmm, a bit trickier, that one. Leave it with me."
"Another from a chap who is re-launching the National Front. He says his son is often called a racist, simply because he is, and wants the positive aspects of racism explained in a series of eight lessons, to combat this bullying. But we couldn't find any academic who would go near this one, and of course the Grauniad would eat us alive."
"Bin!"
"And one here from some members of the LMS and the NACF. They say their children are often taunted by teachers as well as other pupils for being rigid, neo-pelagians and the like. They would like the rehabilitation of traditional Catholicism..."
"Bin!"
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Monday, 8 May 2017
Sunday, 18 December 2016
The Pope at Eighty
As occasionally happens, (see also here), today I host a guest writer on this site. This is to celebrate the Holy Father's 80th birthday, and to offer some insights into his character, from one who knows. And so, without further ado, here's a piece by Ivan Austereigh. (NB for the sake of clarity, brevity and coherence, I have edited it down from the submitted typescript, to about a twelfth of its original length. I assure you that nothing of value or meaning has been lost in the process).
The Pope at Eighty
What a wonderful Holy Father we have. The first in many generations who is a truly humble and pastoral bishop. And today I can cast real light on his greatness, by revealing he is a Sagittarius. Astrology, of course, is founded on the Gospel of St Matthew, in which we read of the prophetic star.
As a Sagittarius, the Holy Father is (along with those born under the signs of Aries and Leo [and what a pontifical name that is!]) part of the Fire Trigon. We can readily detect the Christological aspect of this when we reflect on Luke 12.49: I have come to bring fire... and how I wish it were kindled already. At last, in the fulness of time, we have a pope able and willing to kindle that fire.
But there is more. Sagittarius is, of course, the Centaur who is an archer. That explains so much about Francis. A centaur is both like us and unlike us; with human mind and intellect, yet also animal knowing that transcends mere rigid human thought. He is a wise healer whose higher intelligence forms a bridge between Earth and Heaven. And as an archer, he is both powerful and purposeful.
The characteristics of a Sagittarius, then, are that he is able to be incredibly violent - or wise, brave - or mild. Such, then, is the character of our Holy Father, who is the epitome of a Sagittarius. Wise and brave, bringing Heaven and Earth, bringing fire and kindling it, with power and purpose that transcends mere human knowing.
The Pope at Eighty
What a wonderful Holy Father we have. The first in many generations who is a truly humble and pastoral bishop. And today I can cast real light on his greatness, by revealing he is a Sagittarius. Astrology, of course, is founded on the Gospel of St Matthew, in which we read of the prophetic star.
As a Sagittarius, the Holy Father is (along with those born under the signs of Aries and Leo [and what a pontifical name that is!]) part of the Fire Trigon. We can readily detect the Christological aspect of this when we reflect on Luke 12.49: I have come to bring fire... and how I wish it were kindled already. At last, in the fulness of time, we have a pope able and willing to kindle that fire.
But there is more. Sagittarius is, of course, the Centaur who is an archer. That explains so much about Francis. A centaur is both like us and unlike us; with human mind and intellect, yet also animal knowing that transcends mere rigid human thought. He is a wise healer whose higher intelligence forms a bridge between Earth and Heaven. And as an archer, he is both powerful and purposeful.
The characteristics of a Sagittarius, then, are that he is able to be incredibly violent - or wise, brave - or mild. Such, then, is the character of our Holy Father, who is the epitome of a Sagittarius. Wise and brave, bringing Heaven and Earth, bringing fire and kindling it, with power and purpose that transcends mere human knowing.
Sunday, 31 July 2016
Having a dig...
Acting on orders received in 2007, and again in 2008, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16, I have used the first two days of my holiday to start to remove the site of our bonfire, and prepare it for grassing over.
As Dominique has just got back from a week in Cambridge, on an Archaeology summer school, I was paying particular attention to what I found as I dug out the fire pit.
It was my first pit (hereafter Pit 1), and I have to say, I was astonished at the richness it yielded. The most exciting find, to my mind, is this amazing selection of fossilised calamari, thus demonstrating that the people of Cumbria were trading with Venice far earlier than was heretofore thought. I pictured them with a garden fork for scale, as I do not own a geological hammer. (Mrs T, incidentally, facetiously remarked that she thought they were curtain rings. Charlie's theory, that they were gold bangles from the arm of the Young Woman [Tutankhamun's mother] was not supported by the fact that they are not gold. So the calamari hypothesis remains).
But that was by no means my only find in Pit 1. Perhaps it is not surprising, given that we are relatively near Hadrian's Wall, and very near the old Roman Road, High Street, that we should have found these carefully shaped bricks, clearly designed for crenelations, or battlements, along the Wall. What is more surprising is finding so many together, and in such good condition.
Pit 1 also yielded this intriguing object; my conjecture is that it is a Roman toy catapult. It was found by the battlements, and is remarkably like a modern catapult, but is clearly of great antiquity. I will be sending this to the experts at Vindolanda for further analysis.
And then there was this, which I can only take to be an early barber's shaving blade. I imagine it had an ivory handle, or decorative knob on the end, as the handle end is a hollow tube. Clearly it is very old, as more sophisticated tooling has allowed much less coarse blades to be manufactured for such intimate and intricate work.
Another extraordinary find was this scimitar. I can only assume that this was brought home as a souvenir from the crusades by a previous occupant of the house; and was, perhaps, banished to the flames of a fire following some domestic dispute (?). It has survived well, and I am carefully cleaning the rust, in the hope of finding some inscription on the blade.
I had decided to keep the location of Pit 1 secret, and had indeed installed a guard dog, for obvious reasons. Pit 1 having yielded such treasures, it might have proved tempting to the less scrupulous of my archaeological followers.
However, following further discussions with the landowner ("Don't you leave that like a big mess in the garden; I want it turfed over, not left half-finished like so many of your projects...") Pit 1 has now been filled and is not available for further excavation. I will have to ensure that Mrs T does not disappear in the near future, as I understand the police take a dim view of freshly dug pits in such circumstances.
As Dominique has just got back from a week in Cambridge, on an Archaeology summer school, I was paying particular attention to what I found as I dug out the fire pit.
It was my first pit (hereafter Pit 1), and I have to say, I was astonished at the richness it yielded. The most exciting find, to my mind, is this amazing selection of fossilised calamari, thus demonstrating that the people of Cumbria were trading with Venice far earlier than was heretofore thought. I pictured them with a garden fork for scale, as I do not own a geological hammer. (Mrs T, incidentally, facetiously remarked that she thought they were curtain rings. Charlie's theory, that they were gold bangles from the arm of the Young Woman [Tutankhamun's mother] was not supported by the fact that they are not gold. So the calamari hypothesis remains).
But that was by no means my only find in Pit 1. Perhaps it is not surprising, given that we are relatively near Hadrian's Wall, and very near the old Roman Road, High Street, that we should have found these carefully shaped bricks, clearly designed for crenelations, or battlements, along the Wall. What is more surprising is finding so many together, and in such good condition.
Pit 1 also yielded this intriguing object; my conjecture is that it is a Roman toy catapult. It was found by the battlements, and is remarkably like a modern catapult, but is clearly of great antiquity. I will be sending this to the experts at Vindolanda for further analysis.
And then there was this, which I can only take to be an early barber's shaving blade. I imagine it had an ivory handle, or decorative knob on the end, as the handle end is a hollow tube. Clearly it is very old, as more sophisticated tooling has allowed much less coarse blades to be manufactured for such intimate and intricate work.
Another extraordinary find was this scimitar. I can only assume that this was brought home as a souvenir from the crusades by a previous occupant of the house; and was, perhaps, banished to the flames of a fire following some domestic dispute (?). It has survived well, and I am carefully cleaning the rust, in the hope of finding some inscription on the blade.
I had decided to keep the location of Pit 1 secret, and had indeed installed a guard dog, for obvious reasons. Pit 1 having yielded such treasures, it might have proved tempting to the less scrupulous of my archaeological followers.
However, following further discussions with the landowner ("Don't you leave that like a big mess in the garden; I want it turfed over, not left half-finished like so many of your projects...") Pit 1 has now been filled and is not available for further excavation. I will have to ensure that Mrs T does not disappear in the near future, as I understand the police take a dim view of freshly dug pits in such circumstances.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Why are all orthodox Catholics nutters?
Intellectual debate is a staple of our household, as I am sure you will appreciate. So it is perhaps no surprise that my wife and I often discuss the deepest and most intractable problems. Yesterday, we touched (yet again) on the questions: Why are all orthodox Catholics nutters?
Those who read my ravings on a regular basis will know that I am wary of splashing absolutes about too freely, so I will quickly qualify that to 'almost all.' The exceptions, of course, gentle reader, include you and me.
But it remains the fact that many of our best, and most orthodox, friends are (how shall I put this?) well off the centre of any standard distribution of normality. The same seems to be true of many of those orthodox Catholics whom I don't know personally, but who contribute to the public debate.
Why should that be? I suppose one reason is that in order to be an orthodox Catholic in our society (and even, alas, in most of our Catholic parishes) demands that one be well-differentiated (as a psychologist friend of mine once remarked of me). That may have other aspects that strike the average observer as somewhat reminiscent of a candidate for an asylum.
But in reality, I suspect what really goes on is that we judge, at least in part (and probably wholly out of our conscious awareness) by the standards of the world, and that nuttiness in largely in the eye of the beholder.
Those who read my ravings on a regular basis will know that I am wary of splashing absolutes about too freely, so I will quickly qualify that to 'almost all.' The exceptions, of course, gentle reader, include you and me.
But it remains the fact that many of our best, and most orthodox, friends are (how shall I put this?) well off the centre of any standard distribution of normality. The same seems to be true of many of those orthodox Catholics whom I don't know personally, but who contribute to the public debate.
Why should that be? I suppose one reason is that in order to be an orthodox Catholic in our society (and even, alas, in most of our Catholic parishes) demands that one be well-differentiated (as a psychologist friend of mine once remarked of me). That may have other aspects that strike the average observer as somewhat reminiscent of a candidate for an asylum.
But in reality, I suspect what really goes on is that we judge, at least in part (and probably wholly out of our conscious awareness) by the standards of the world, and that nuttiness in largely in the eye of the beholder.
Sunday, 6 December 2015
Remembering Beachcomber
The comment by Charles Dawson on my recent post, reminded me of the great Beachcomber's view of A. A. Milne.
This is from The Best of Beachcomber (J. B. Morton):
There is a great vogue for what is called the Woogie-Poogie-Boo kind of children's book, and I am doing my best to get one ready. I don't know what it will be called, but I rather fancy Songs Through My Hat, or perhaps When We Were Very Silly. Here is a poem called "Theobald James".
I've got a silk-worm
A teeny-tiny silk-worm;
I call my silk-worm
Theobald James.
But nursie says it's cruel
Nursie says it's wicked
To call a teeny-tiny little
Silk-
Worm
NAMES
I said to my silk-worm
"Oh, Mr Silk-worm,
I'd rather be a silk-worm
Than anything far!"
And nursie says he answered,
Nursie says he shouted,
"You wish you were a silk-worm?
You little
Prig,
You
ARE!"
Other Beachcomber gems in this genre include:
John Percy,
John Percy
Said to his nursy,
Nursy," he said, said he.
"Tell father
I'd much rather
He didn't write books about me."
"Lawkamercy!"
Shouted nursy,
"John Percy," said she,
"If dad stopped it,
If dad dropped it,
We shouldn't have honey for tea!"
and, perhaps the most final:
Now We are Sick:
Hush, hush,
Nobody cares!
Christopher Robin
Has
Fallen
Down-
Stairs.
(With thanks to Charlotte's Library, here, which saved me having to dig out my copy of Beachcomber)
This is from The Best of Beachcomber (J. B. Morton):
There is a great vogue for what is called the Woogie-Poogie-Boo kind of children's book, and I am doing my best to get one ready. I don't know what it will be called, but I rather fancy Songs Through My Hat, or perhaps When We Were Very Silly. Here is a poem called "Theobald James".
I've got a silk-worm
A teeny-tiny silk-worm;
I call my silk-worm
Theobald James.
But nursie says it's cruel
Nursie says it's wicked
To call a teeny-tiny little
Silk-
Worm
NAMES
I said to my silk-worm
"Oh, Mr Silk-worm,
I'd rather be a silk-worm
Than anything far!"
And nursie says he answered,
Nursie says he shouted,
"You wish you were a silk-worm?
You little
Prig,
You
ARE!"
Other Beachcomber gems in this genre include:
John Percy,
John Percy
Said to his nursy,
Nursy," he said, said he.
"Tell father
I'd much rather
He didn't write books about me."
"Lawkamercy!"
Shouted nursy,
"John Percy," said she,
"If dad stopped it,
If dad dropped it,
We shouldn't have honey for tea!"
and, perhaps the most final:
Now We are Sick:
Hush, hush,
Nobody cares!
Christopher Robin
Has
Fallen
Down-
Stairs.
(With thanks to Charlotte's Library, here, which saved me having to dig out my copy of Beachcomber)
Saturday, 5 December 2015
Tigger Warnings
So there I was, reading The House at Pooh Corner, when suddenly, without warning, I was bounced.
I had loved Winnie-the-Pooh. I had really identified with all of the characters; I was Pooh (of course) but also Piglet. There is Eeyore in me, and also Rabbit; Owl and Kanga, and of course Roo.
But reading the sequel, after a deceptive first chapter, in which all was as it should be, suddenly, in Chapter 2, I was bounced. There was Tigger: a new and threatening character, introduced with no warning.
I had always loved the 100 Acre Wood as a Safe Space. So you will appreciate my sense of violation. Moreover, a friend of mine was once nearly run over by a Jagular sports car, so the gratuitous introduction of the Jagular sub-plot - again without any warning - was deeply disturbing.
And lest anyone thinks I am over-sensitive, I would point out that Rabbit, Eeyore and Piglet all find Tigger threatening in their various ways. In particular the violent scene in which Tigger bounces Eeyore into the river is profoundly upsetting.
Of course, I am not calling for the complete censorship of Tigger; there may be those who are in some perverse way gratified by his bouncing. But I do think we should be able to declare the 100 Acre Wood a Safe Space, and moreover, that his appearance in any book should always be preceded by a Tigger Warning.
I had loved Winnie-the-Pooh. I had really identified with all of the characters; I was Pooh (of course) but also Piglet. There is Eeyore in me, and also Rabbit; Owl and Kanga, and of course Roo.
But reading the sequel, after a deceptive first chapter, in which all was as it should be, suddenly, in Chapter 2, I was bounced. There was Tigger: a new and threatening character, introduced with no warning.
I had always loved the 100 Acre Wood as a Safe Space. So you will appreciate my sense of violation. Moreover, a friend of mine was once nearly run over by a Jagular sports car, so the gratuitous introduction of the Jagular sub-plot - again without any warning - was deeply disturbing.
And lest anyone thinks I am over-sensitive, I would point out that Rabbit, Eeyore and Piglet all find Tigger threatening in their various ways. In particular the violent scene in which Tigger bounces Eeyore into the river is profoundly upsetting.
Of course, I am not calling for the complete censorship of Tigger; there may be those who are in some perverse way gratified by his bouncing. But I do think we should be able to declare the 100 Acre Wood a Safe Space, and moreover, that his appearance in any book should always be preceded by a Tigger Warning.
Sunday, 26 July 2015
Investors Wanted
With my astounding business acumen, I am putting together a business plan for a new, very profitable business which I plan to launch shortly.
For a limited time, there is an opportunity for the forward-looking investor to get in on the ground floor of this innovative and highly lucrative enterprise.
Here's the scam. Very shortly, it will be both legal and lucrative to persuade people to commit suicide.
It will be legal, because they will keep bringing the euthanasia legislation before parliament till they get the answer they want, and will then gradually extend the scope of it (to include the elimination of any opt-out clauses deemed necessary in the first instance, and then the removal of all the restraints and safeguards...)
It will be lucrative, because very soon the accountants will be able to demonstrate the annual cost of people living into their 80s (say) to the NHS and DWP; not to mention those living with any special needs. So to save NHS/DWP funds, voluntary euthanasia will be a very pragmatic option. And in the spirit of free-market enterprise, anyone helping some reach a decision should be remunerated with a small commission.
So I plan to start an enterprise to be in pole position as soon as this becomes legally viable. We will have trained sales people, who will have a wonderfully euphemistic job title (suggestions welcome; though I am currently inclined to End-of-life Care Experts). They will use a completely non-judgemental approach to help people think through their options (ever-increasing pain and debility on the one hand, or a quick and easy end on the other) and reach the right decision. And they will collect the commission, whilst bathing in the virtuous glow of saving the NHS money.
Any takers?
For a limited time, there is an opportunity for the forward-looking investor to get in on the ground floor of this innovative and highly lucrative enterprise.
Here's the scam. Very shortly, it will be both legal and lucrative to persuade people to commit suicide.
It will be legal, because they will keep bringing the euthanasia legislation before parliament till they get the answer they want, and will then gradually extend the scope of it (to include the elimination of any opt-out clauses deemed necessary in the first instance, and then the removal of all the restraints and safeguards...)
It will be lucrative, because very soon the accountants will be able to demonstrate the annual cost of people living into their 80s (say) to the NHS and DWP; not to mention those living with any special needs. So to save NHS/DWP funds, voluntary euthanasia will be a very pragmatic option. And in the spirit of free-market enterprise, anyone helping some reach a decision should be remunerated with a small commission.
So I plan to start an enterprise to be in pole position as soon as this becomes legally viable. We will have trained sales people, who will have a wonderfully euphemistic job title (suggestions welcome; though I am currently inclined to End-of-life Care Experts). They will use a completely non-judgemental approach to help people think through their options (ever-increasing pain and debility on the one hand, or a quick and easy end on the other) and reach the right decision. And they will collect the commission, whilst bathing in the virtuous glow of saving the NHS money.
Any takers?
Monday, 2 March 2015
L'esprit de l'escalier
Of course, the morning after posting on translation, I thought of what I really should have written (post scriptum omne animal triste est and all that). And that is that the last word on word for word translation belongs to Astérix, or more precisely, Jolitorax, his very idiomatic English cousin.
« Choquant! » (p2-c8) = Shocking!
« Plutôt. » (p3-c2) = Rather.
« Et toute cette sorte de choses. » (p3-c7) = And all that sort of thing = et caetera.
« Je dis. » (p4-c4) = I say., que les Bretons de l'album placent à tout bout de champ dans leurs phrases. Typique d'un Anglais de la haute société du début du xxe siècle. Cette tournure était utilisée pour souligner quelque chose.
« Un morceau de chance. » (p4-c5) = A bit of luck.
« Secouons-nous les mains. » (p4-c7) = Let's shake hands.
« Je demande votre pardon. » (p5-c3) = I beg your pardon.
« Je ne voudrais pas être un ennui pour vous. » (p6-c6) = I don't want to be any trouble for you.
« Un joyeux bon garçon. » (p24-c5) = A jolly good fellow.
« Nous devons. » (p24-c2) = We have to.
« Ma bonté! » (p25-c2) = My goodness!
« Gardez votre lèvre supérieure rigide. » (p25-c4) = Keep a stiff upper lip = « Gardez votre sang-froid. »
« Il est devenu absolument noix. » (p26-c4) = He is going nuts = « Il devient fou. », « Il perd les pédales. »
« J'étais en dehors de mes esprits avec l'inquiétude. » (p28-c2) = I was out of my mind with worry. = « J'étais inquiet. »
« C'était grand de vous avoir ici. » (p43-c7) = It was grand to have you.
--
Je reste mon cas (avec mercis au Wikipedia français).
Saturday, 8 November 2014
Nichols contra mundum
Today I was flattered to be asked to compère the finals of The Pastoral Challenge, in which one man takes on leading figures from the history of the Church, to see who can come up with the most pastoral responses to a range of topical questions.
Ben (as question master): A member of your flock asks you about homosexual relations, and whether the Church will ever sanction gay marriage. How do you reply?
Paul, Tarsus: For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Ben: Sorry, Paul: that's not quite the Pastoral tone we seek these days. Who else?
Basil, Caesaria: He who is guilty of unseemliness with males will be under discipline for the same time as adulterers...
Ben: No, no, no! You're really not getting this. Who can show them how it's done?
Nichols, Westminster: Who knows what's down the road?
Ben: That's more like it. So one point to Nichols, rest of the world nil. On to our next question: Someone suggests that those living in open and manifest sin should not receive the Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist. How do you handle that one?
Paul, Tarsus: Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.
Ben: Oh dear, oh dear...
John Paul, Wadowice: Anyone conscious of grave sin must receive the sacrament of Reconciliation before coming to communion.
Ben: I'm sorry, you're still not getting the hang of this. Any other approaches? What might you say to such a person?
Nichols, Westminster: Hold your tongue!
Ben: The perfect Pastoral response! That's Nichols 2, the rest of the world nil. And so, on to our third question. One of your flock asks you about personal sin, and whether it is something we should worry about.
Matthew, Capernaum: The Lord said: If thy right eye is an occasion of thy falling into sin, pluck it out and cast it away from thee; better to lose one part of thy body, than to have the whole cast into Hell. And if thy right hand is an occasion of falling, cut it off, and cast it away from thee; better to lose one of thy limbs than to have thy whole body cast into hell.
Ben: I'm still not quite hearing that Pastoral note we are looking for. Anyone?
Nichols, Westminster: I think all that talk of sin was a misguided attempt to motivate people.
Ben: We're heading for a whitewash here: it's Nichols 3, the rest of the world, nil. And finally, on a more self reflecting note: someone suggests that you may have betrayed your Lord. How do you respond?
Peter, Bethsaida: (weeps, bitterly).
Nichols, Westminster: I honestly can't remember.
Ben (enthusistically): The perfect response, yet again. So a complete whitewash there, with Nichols of Westminster routing a world team with a score of five:nil.
Ben (as question master): A member of your flock asks you about homosexual relations, and whether the Church will ever sanction gay marriage. How do you reply?
Paul, Tarsus: For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them. For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
Ben: Sorry, Paul: that's not quite the Pastoral tone we seek these days. Who else?
Basil, Caesaria: He who is guilty of unseemliness with males will be under discipline for the same time as adulterers...
Ben: No, no, no! You're really not getting this. Who can show them how it's done?
Nichols, Westminster: Who knows what's down the road?
Ben: That's more like it. So one point to Nichols, rest of the world nil. On to our next question: Someone suggests that those living in open and manifest sin should not receive the Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist. How do you handle that one?
Paul, Tarsus: Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord.
Ben: Oh dear, oh dear...
John Paul, Wadowice: Anyone conscious of grave sin must receive the sacrament of Reconciliation before coming to communion.
Ben: I'm sorry, you're still not getting the hang of this. Any other approaches? What might you say to such a person?
Nichols, Westminster: Hold your tongue!
Ben: The perfect Pastoral response! That's Nichols 2, the rest of the world nil. And so, on to our third question. One of your flock asks you about personal sin, and whether it is something we should worry about.
Matthew, Capernaum: The Lord said: If thy right eye is an occasion of thy falling into sin, pluck it out and cast it away from thee; better to lose one part of thy body, than to have the whole cast into Hell. And if thy right hand is an occasion of falling, cut it off, and cast it away from thee; better to lose one of thy limbs than to have thy whole body cast into hell.
Ben: I'm still not quite hearing that Pastoral note we are looking for. Anyone?
Nichols, Westminster: I think all that talk of sin was a misguided attempt to motivate people.
Ben: We're heading for a whitewash here: it's Nichols 3, the rest of the world, nil. And finally, on a more self reflecting note: someone suggests that you may have betrayed your Lord. How do you respond?
Peter, Bethsaida: (weeps, bitterly).
Nichols, Westminster: I honestly can't remember.
Ben (enthusistically): The perfect response, yet again. So a complete whitewash there, with Nichols of Westminster routing a world team with a score of five:nil.
Monday, 20 October 2014
The Postbag
Cardinals are, after all, very busy people. Moreover, sometimes the memory fails a bit. So it is not surprising that not every letter is answered.
Nonetheless, I thought it might be interesting to see the incoming postbag, even though none of these letters have yet been answered.
***
Dear Cardinal
Why was Kieran Conry elevated to the episcopate when everyone knew?
Yours sincerely,
Worried, of Arundel and Brighton
***
Dear Cardinal
I am so pleased that I can now divorce my wife and shack up with my secretary, and know that within the year I will be OK with the Church again.
Thank you so much,
Amoroso, of Westminster
***
Dear Cardinal
My dad has just left my mum for another man. When she asked him what the hell he thought the future held for them, he answered 'Who knows what's down the road?'
She blames you.
Can you explain?
With love,
Distressed, of Hemel Hempstead
***
Dear Cardinal
I was considering a career in the priesthood, but was reluctant to commit as I also quite like the ladies. Do I gather that is not an impediment and that I will still be able to claim to have done a good job if ever I am found out by the press, without fear of your contradicting that?
Yours,
Ambitious, of Coventry
***
Dear Cardinal,
I want to send my son to Cardinal Vaughan School, but now it's like playing the Lottery!
Thanks for not very much.
A Practicing Catholic Parent, Acton
***
Dear Cardinal
Thank you for your solicitous care for the LGBT? Community. Queering the Church is such an important mission, so we are grateful to you for your support, in face of all the oppression of those who would demonise us.
Love and kisses,
XXXX
***
Dear Cardinal
I was going to write to ask your advice on amnesia, but I can't remember why.
Forgetfully,
Can't remember my name? Nor where I live nor how I voted nor when I knew.
***
Dear Cardinal
Since my husband walked out on me, I have struggled to bring up our four kids on my own. I have worked hard to keep an amorous colleague, whom I really like, at a safe distance, as I don't want to risk any occasion of sin, or of scandal to my kids.
It is hard work and I am very lonely. I thought this was the right thing to do, and I try to offer my sufferings up.
Am I a mug?
Yours,
Solitaria, North Finchley
***
Dear Cardinal
You be good, and we won't tell. Capisce?
(unsigned)
***
Dear Cardinal,
I have struggled with Same Sex Attraction for many years.
I have not always managed to avoid falling into temptation, but I continue to try, and by frequent use of the Sacrament of Penance, I am gradually mastering my desires.
This has been a long and painful journey, but I have been encouraged by my parish priest, who has been both understanding of my personal struggles, and clear in expounding the teaching of the Church as found in the Catechism.
However, last Saturday, when I went to Confession and told him that I had nothing serious to confess, he was uncharacteristically upset, and suggested I might as well indulge my every desire.
I was shocked and upset, after all I have been through, and we exchanged heated words. He referred me to you.
Can you explain?
Yours,
A Struggling Sinner, Soho
***
Dear Cardinal
My partner and I would like to apply for the jobs of Chief Executive and Head of PR at CAFOD.
We are very committed to Justice and Peace, extremely well-networked, and like some aspects of the Catholic Church's approach. In fact my partner goes to Church when he visits his mum, as she is a practicing Catholic (he hasn't come out to her yet).
I understand that our (what I believe you call) irregular situation, and the fact that we demur from some of the Church's more demanding teachings are no bar to running a large Catholic organisation - as long as we keep the people in the pews in the dark, which I am sure we can manage between us.
And if you can find a bishop to celebrate a service for our anniversary, that would be lovely.
Yours,
Valentine, Eccleston Square
Nonetheless, I thought it might be interesting to see the incoming postbag, even though none of these letters have yet been answered.
***
Dear Cardinal
Why was Kieran Conry elevated to the episcopate when everyone knew?
Yours sincerely,
Worried, of Arundel and Brighton
***
Dear Cardinal
I am so pleased that I can now divorce my wife and shack up with my secretary, and know that within the year I will be OK with the Church again.
Thank you so much,
Amoroso, of Westminster
***
Dear Cardinal
My dad has just left my mum for another man. When she asked him what the hell he thought the future held for them, he answered 'Who knows what's down the road?'
She blames you.
Can you explain?
With love,
Distressed, of Hemel Hempstead
***
Dear Cardinal
I was considering a career in the priesthood, but was reluctant to commit as I also quite like the ladies. Do I gather that is not an impediment and that I will still be able to claim to have done a good job if ever I am found out by the press, without fear of your contradicting that?
Yours,
Ambitious, of Coventry
***
Dear Cardinal,
I want to send my son to Cardinal Vaughan School, but now it's like playing the Lottery!
Thanks for not very much.
A Practicing Catholic Parent, Acton
***
Dear Cardinal
Thank you for your solicitous care for the LGBT? Community. Queering the Church is such an important mission, so we are grateful to you for your support, in face of all the oppression of those who would demonise us.
Love and kisses,
XXXX
***
Dear Cardinal
I was going to write to ask your advice on amnesia, but I can't remember why.
Forgetfully,
Can't remember my name? Nor where I live nor how I voted nor when I knew.
***
Dear Cardinal
Since my husband walked out on me, I have struggled to bring up our four kids on my own. I have worked hard to keep an amorous colleague, whom I really like, at a safe distance, as I don't want to risk any occasion of sin, or of scandal to my kids.
It is hard work and I am very lonely. I thought this was the right thing to do, and I try to offer my sufferings up.
Am I a mug?
Yours,
Solitaria, North Finchley
***
Dear Cardinal
You be good, and we won't tell. Capisce?
(unsigned)
***
Dear Cardinal,
I have struggled with Same Sex Attraction for many years.
I have not always managed to avoid falling into temptation, but I continue to try, and by frequent use of the Sacrament of Penance, I am gradually mastering my desires.
This has been a long and painful journey, but I have been encouraged by my parish priest, who has been both understanding of my personal struggles, and clear in expounding the teaching of the Church as found in the Catechism.
However, last Saturday, when I went to Confession and told him that I had nothing serious to confess, he was uncharacteristically upset, and suggested I might as well indulge my every desire.
I was shocked and upset, after all I have been through, and we exchanged heated words. He referred me to you.
Can you explain?
Yours,
A Struggling Sinner, Soho
***
Dear Cardinal
My partner and I would like to apply for the jobs of Chief Executive and Head of PR at CAFOD.
We are very committed to Justice and Peace, extremely well-networked, and like some aspects of the Catholic Church's approach. In fact my partner goes to Church when he visits his mum, as she is a practicing Catholic (he hasn't come out to her yet).
I understand that our (what I believe you call) irregular situation, and the fact that we demur from some of the Church's more demanding teachings are no bar to running a large Catholic organisation - as long as we keep the people in the pews in the dark, which I am sure we can manage between us.
And if you can find a bishop to celebrate a service for our anniversary, that would be lovely.
Yours,
Valentine, Eccleston Square
Friday, 29 August 2014
Correction
In my last blog post, I wrote of Tina Beattie that 'this woman has tenure at a Catholic teaching institution.'
I think that was incorrect, and Digby Stuart, now part of Roehamption University, is no longer a Catholic teaching institution.
Perhaps I could pass it off as a typo, and claim that what I really meant to write was: 'this woman writes manure for a once-Catholic paper.'
I think that was incorrect, and Digby Stuart, now part of Roehamption University, is no longer a Catholic teaching institution.
Perhaps I could pass it off as a typo, and claim that what I really meant to write was: 'this woman writes manure for a once-Catholic paper.'
Sunday, 2 February 2014
While I was Fisking Fr Butler...
While I was Fisking Fr Butler, Anna, the redoubtable Mrs T was being much more productive.
The first batch of marmalade of 2013. Judging by the number of Seville oranges still in evidence, at least one more batch is to be made.
There is something quite lovely about home-made marmalade and jam.
Just out of shot are the chains by which I attach her to the kitchen sink, to assure myself both that my love for sweet conserves is indulged, and that I am not interrupted in the serious task of blogging.
The first batch of marmalade of 2013. Judging by the number of Seville oranges still in evidence, at least one more batch is to be made.
There is something quite lovely about home-made marmalade and jam.
Just out of shot are the chains by which I attach her to the kitchen sink, to assure myself both that my love for sweet conserves is indulged, and that I am not interrupted in the serious task of blogging.
Sunday, 19 January 2014
It is even cleverer than that!
I have been playing with the chant tool about which I blogged earlier, and have discovered that it is even cleverer than that!
If one wants, one can enter new texts, and a new melody, and the whole thing is automatically written out in square notes.
This one is for my friend Battlement Clare:
If one wants, one can enter new texts, and a new melody, and the whole thing is automatically written out in square notes.
This one is for my friend Battlement Clare:
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Absolute and Abitofhell
In case you hadn't noticed, I am a fan of the late Monsignor Ronald Knox (there's a man who deserved an honorary title!).
His books of sermons (whether for adults or children) are all excellent, his introduction to the Faith likewise. I haven't read his detective stories, but want to do so. He was, I think the last individual to do a complete translation of the Bible, and he had a fantastic sense of humour.
He it was who posted this advertisement in a religious periodical: Evangelical vicar, in want of a portable, second-hand font, would dispose, for the same, of a portrait, in frame, of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.
Which should, perhaps, be better presented thus (though not for the sake of the joke in the paper):
Evangelical vicar, in want
Of a portable, second-hand font,
Would dispose, for the same,
Of a portrait, in frame,
Of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.
He also wrote an excellent satire, Absolute and Abitofhell 'in the manner of John Dryden' on the new approach to religious belief that was leaking into the Anglican Church around the turn of the century. It is worth reading in full (not least to remind us that there is little new under the sun - this was published in 1915) but some of my favourite lines include:
First, Adam fell; then Noah's Ark was drowned,
And Samson under close inspection bound;
For Daniel's Blood the Critick Lions roar'd,
And trembling Hands threw Jonah overboard.
Lux Mundi came, and here we found indeed
A Maximum and Minimum of Creed:
But still the Criticks, bent on Matthew's Fall,
And setting Peter by the Ears with Paul,
Brought unaccustom'd Doctrines oversea
Suggesting rather, Caeli Tenebrae.
You get the idea; and so it goes on, questioning the wisdom of those who:
Eschewing Luke, John, Matthew, and the rest
Read Mark, but could not inwardly digest.
But my absolute favourite couplet is:
When suave Politeness, tempering bigot Zeal,
Corrected, "I believe," to "One does feel."
As I say, a man of genius and wit: we could do with a few like him now.
Requiescat in pace.
His books of sermons (whether for adults or children) are all excellent, his introduction to the Faith likewise. I haven't read his detective stories, but want to do so. He was, I think the last individual to do a complete translation of the Bible, and he had a fantastic sense of humour.
He it was who posted this advertisement in a religious periodical: Evangelical vicar, in want of a portable, second-hand font, would dispose, for the same, of a portrait, in frame, of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.
Which should, perhaps, be better presented thus (though not for the sake of the joke in the paper):
Evangelical vicar, in want
Of a portable, second-hand font,
Would dispose, for the same,
Of a portrait, in frame,
Of the Bishop, elect, of Vermont.
He also wrote an excellent satire, Absolute and Abitofhell 'in the manner of John Dryden' on the new approach to religious belief that was leaking into the Anglican Church around the turn of the century. It is worth reading in full (not least to remind us that there is little new under the sun - this was published in 1915) but some of my favourite lines include:
First, Adam fell; then Noah's Ark was drowned,
And Samson under close inspection bound;
For Daniel's Blood the Critick Lions roar'd,
And trembling Hands threw Jonah overboard.
Lux Mundi came, and here we found indeed
A Maximum and Minimum of Creed:
But still the Criticks, bent on Matthew's Fall,
And setting Peter by the Ears with Paul,
Brought unaccustom'd Doctrines oversea
Suggesting rather, Caeli Tenebrae.
You get the idea; and so it goes on, questioning the wisdom of those who:
Eschewing Luke, John, Matthew, and the rest
Read Mark, but could not inwardly digest.
But my absolute favourite couplet is:
When suave Politeness, tempering bigot Zeal,
Corrected, "I believe," to "One does feel."
As I say, a man of genius and wit: we could do with a few like him now.
Requiescat in pace.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Juliet and Romeo - A Youthful Frivolity
Whilst looking for something else, I stumbled across this, first published in December 1996...
SURELY few things have been more eagerly awaited in these recent years than the current renewal in the great literature of the world. While this movement started some decades ago, it has only now reached its maturity, and the publication of this text will mark a turning point in the cultural history of the world, "throwing open the windows of great literature to let the people in". (Decree on Literature, §472).
This purifying (for it is in no way a new version) of Juliet and Romeo cannot be praised too highly, nor is anyone who truly loves literature going to regret in any way the passing of some older modes of expression, given that the express intention of the new text is "to realise more fully the dramatic nature of the texts, to make them more accessible to all peoples of all cultures and all times, and to ensure the most lively participation of the audience" (see Introduction, §314).
Perhaps the most obvious changes are the ones which may provoke some little consternation from conservatives. The change in the title to Juliet and Romeo, is a case in point. Yet when one considers the non‑sexist remit of the commission, it is impossible to argue that this is anything but an improvement. Juliet comes first by virtue of a strictly impartial alphabetical criterion, and it is highly significant to note that the same criterion would give the same result, even if applied to the characters' surnames, rather than theirChristian forenames.
Certain other passages, which may be deemed to cause offence by some people in a multi‑cultural society have also been sensitively re‑worked, to bring out the richness in the text in a way compatible with the cultural sensitivities of modern societies.
A beautiful example of this is the highly dubious text (the precise authorship of which some scholars question):
The ICES text reads:
One of the chief reasons for the all‑pervasive demand for a revised version of Literary Texts has been the fact that people find them boring. The Interlit Council (1962‑5) in its Decree on Literature realised this, and asked the Commission to ensure that revisions included opportunities for the audience to become more truly involved.
Before the Council, there was always present the possibility (which was sometimes actively encouraged) of members of the audience sitting quietly in a purely passive way through a performance, not participating at all. That is gone for ever. As audiences arrive at any production from now on, they will be given little sheets to rustle throughout, which also provide them with their lines.
This new involvement, itself highly significant, and fully in accord with the teachings of the Council, is also used as an opportunity to clarify some classic textual ambiguities. Thus one much mis‑understood text becomes immediately comprehensible, now that the audience is given its true role:
As a further way of ensuring that the audience truly engage with the drama, a variety of acclamations is provided for audience use, immediately after the climax of the piece. These range from the sublime: "Wow, who would have thought it!" to the profound: "I could climb a mountain." Moreover, in the grave scene, when Juliet discovers what she takes to be the dead body of her lover and kisses him, the audience is now to exchange kisses with all those in reach, as a way of entering more fully into the dramatic potentialities of the scene, and ensuring that the message of love is transferred to the real world, and not merely left behind after the performance.
To meet the cultural needs and aspirations of different groups, a variety of endings is available, as options, at the discretion of the animator (the term director is no longer to be used, due to its fascist and authoritarian implications). In many of these simplified endings, it will be noticed, the couple live happily ever after. This is more truly an ending for our times, when the spirit of the nations demands an accentuation of the positive in the texts.
Again, we can predict howls of anguish from one or two extreme conservatives, and one has been rash enough to print and distribute a defamatory article which claims that these endings betray the text. It is important to emphasise a number of points. The first is that the original ending will remain available (in the new translation) though we suspect few animators will, in practice, choose to use it. The second is that this is a return to an older literary tradition, and therefore more authentic to the nature of drama in itself. The third is that the over‑riding principle must be what the people demand, and the experts are agreed that these endings are the ones that the people will demand, once they have got used to them.
As this text is purely a response to popular demand, it is now mandatory, and the old versions must not be used. However, recognising the difficulty some particularly old and decrepit actors may find in learning the new lines, it is still permitted for such actors (certified by a competent authority as being both old and decrepit) to perform according to the old texts, as long as they do not do so with an audience.
This generous concession shows the concern of the Commission to minimise any distress (however irrational) that these changes may cause. While some lobbyists on the liberal wing of the literary establishment have complained that the new version has not sufficiently challenged the homophobia of the previous traditions, it should be noted that with Version 2 and appropriate optional passages, it is possible to use a text that has no explicit reference to the gender of either protagonist, and that this is compatible with lesbian and gay productions.
Further, we may be sure the commission will address this serious issue with sympathy and a radical commitment to justice in future revisions of the text (for this is by no means static: a truly dynamic text will need re‑writing on a frequent basis), and also in their treatment of future works (the forthcoming Antonia and Cleopatra looks set to break some new ground here). We also await with unreserved enthusiasm their non‑racist version of Othello, the Multicultural Ombudsperson of Venice, and their de‑mythologised rendering of A Midsummer Time's Reverie.
Youth, in particular, will find the revised texts accessible, relevant and meaningful; but it is no less clear that the whole community will be enriched and nourished afresh by the inexhaustible wealth of the literary tradition made newly available to them. One thing is certain: this movement for Literary Renewal will result in packed theatres, filled with audiences entering ever more profoundly into the dramatic experience.
Juliet and Romeo
The New Translation
by the International Commission for English in Shakespeare
REVIEWED BY DR. HANNIBAL BUGATTI (A key expert of the Council)
SURELY few things have been more eagerly awaited in these recent years than the current renewal in the great literature of the world. While this movement started some decades ago, it has only now reached its maturity, and the publication of this text will mark a turning point in the cultural history of the world, "throwing open the windows of great literature to let the people in". (Decree on Literature, §472).
This purifying (for it is in no way a new version) of Juliet and Romeo cannot be praised too highly, nor is anyone who truly loves literature going to regret in any way the passing of some older modes of expression, given that the express intention of the new text is "to realise more fully the dramatic nature of the texts, to make them more accessible to all peoples of all cultures and all times, and to ensure the most lively participation of the audience" (see Introduction, §314).
Perhaps the most obvious changes are the ones which may provoke some little consternation from conservatives. The change in the title to Juliet and Romeo, is a case in point. Yet when one considers the non‑sexist remit of the commission, it is impossible to argue that this is anything but an improvement. Juliet comes first by virtue of a strictly impartial alphabetical criterion, and it is highly significant to note that the same criterion would give the same result, even if applied to the characters' surnames, rather than their
Certain other passages, which may be deemed to cause offence by some people in a multi‑cultural society have also been sensitively re‑worked, to bring out the richness in the text in a way compatible with the cultural sensitivities of modern societies.
A beautiful example of this is the highly dubious text (the precise authorship of which some scholars question):
This is a complex passage, presenting many problems: the implication that brightness is better than darkness, for example, the appallingly irrelevant mention of someone's race, the use of rich as a term of admiration, when another guiding principle is 'a preferential option for the poor,' and so on."O! she doth teach the torches to burn bright
It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiop's ear,
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear."
The ICES text reads:
"Look, everyone! She is teaching the torches to be more truly themselves, like an affordable‑by‑everyone paste costume jewel accessory kit, hung on the ear of anyone (man or woman) of any ethnic origin. "Clearly the new text not only eliminates both the offensive potential and the archaisms of the older version, but also makes it more meaningful by making it more relevant and accessible to all, without in any way changing the underlying meaning of the passage.
One of the chief reasons for the all‑pervasive demand for a revised version of Literary Texts has been the fact that people find them boring. The Interlit Council (1962‑5) in its Decree on Literature realised this, and asked the Commission to ensure that revisions included opportunities for the audience to become more truly involved.
Before the Council, there was always present the possibility (which was sometimes actively encouraged) of members of the audience sitting quietly in a purely passive way through a performance, not participating at all. That is gone for ever. As audiences arrive at any production from now on, they will be given little sheets to rustle throughout, which also provide them with their lines.
This new involvement, itself highly significant, and fully in accord with the teachings of the Council, is also used as an opportunity to clarify some classic textual ambiguities. Thus one much mis‑understood text becomes immediately comprehensible, now that the audience is given its true role:
Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, where are you, mate?
Audience (enthusiastically): He's behind you!This is in no way an innovation, but rather draws on a deep tradition in literature, as witnessed by some of the earliest extant texts, as many scholars will testify. This passage also shows how needless repetition, that tended to slow the action down (in this case the third Romeo) has been sensitively excised.
As a further way of ensuring that the audience truly engage with the drama, a variety of acclamations is provided for audience use, immediately after the climax of the piece. These range from the sublime: "Wow, who would have thought it!" to the profound: "I could climb a mountain." Moreover, in the grave scene, when Juliet discovers what she takes to be the dead body of her lover and kisses him, the audience is now to exchange kisses with all those in reach, as a way of entering more fully into the dramatic potentialities of the scene, and ensuring that the message of love is transferred to the real world, and not merely left behind after the performance.
To meet the cultural needs and aspirations of different groups, a variety of endings is available, as options, at the discretion of the animator (the term director is no longer to be used, due to its fascist and authoritarian implications). In many of these simplified endings, it will be noticed, the couple live happily ever after. This is more truly an ending for our times, when the spirit of the nations demands an accentuation of the positive in the texts.
Again, we can predict howls of anguish from one or two extreme conservatives, and one has been rash enough to print and distribute a defamatory article which claims that these endings betray the text. It is important to emphasise a number of points. The first is that the original ending will remain available (in the new translation) though we suspect few animators will, in practice, choose to use it. The second is that this is a return to an older literary tradition, and therefore more authentic to the nature of drama in itself. The third is that the over‑riding principle must be what the people demand, and the experts are agreed that these endings are the ones that the people will demand, once they have got used to them.
As this text is purely a response to popular demand, it is now mandatory, and the old versions must not be used. However, recognising the difficulty some particularly old and decrepit actors may find in learning the new lines, it is still permitted for such actors (certified by a competent authority as being both old and decrepit) to perform according to the old texts, as long as they do not do so with an audience.
This generous concession shows the concern of the Commission to minimise any distress (however irrational) that these changes may cause. While some lobbyists on the liberal wing of the literary establishment have complained that the new version has not sufficiently challenged the homophobia of the previous traditions, it should be noted that with Version 2 and appropriate optional passages, it is possible to use a text that has no explicit reference to the gender of either protagonist, and that this is compatible with lesbian and gay productions.
Further, we may be sure the commission will address this serious issue with sympathy and a radical commitment to justice in future revisions of the text (for this is by no means static: a truly dynamic text will need re‑writing on a frequent basis), and also in their treatment of future works (the forthcoming Antonia and Cleopatra looks set to break some new ground here). We also await with unreserved enthusiasm their non‑racist version of Othello, the Multicultural Ombudsperson of Venice, and their de‑mythologised rendering of A Midsummer Time's Reverie.
Youth, in particular, will find the revised texts accessible, relevant and meaningful; but it is no less clear that the whole community will be enriched and nourished afresh by the inexhaustible wealth of the literary tradition made newly available to them. One thing is certain: this movement for Literary Renewal will result in packed theatres, filled with audiences entering ever more profoundly into the dramatic experience.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Perdita's Fragment
One of the stranger things in the Trovato family archive is a manuscript written (we think) by my late great-aunt Perdita.
She is a bit of a skeleton in the family closet, having been regarded as bonkers from a fairly early age.
This early example of stream-of-consciousness is undated, and unsigned. However, on the verso is written Perdita E Trovata, over and over again.
Jus’ wee! Let any prole, er, faff lank on Solway.
Let prance Tacky Tan Allah Tour happily....
Masseur, let Wally, Mort, Eamonn loot Cons telly.
Porter! Less holly ‘n’ wired lamb! A long collie.
Dom, land-weed! Tom, boat! Whack him a consul. Hey
Renoir! lap posy leap a lamb air did alley
Laugh, lurk hip lazy tanatamount curd hazy lay
and here the fragment ends, as the lines have filled the page. The lack of final punctuation may suggest that it was unfinished.
Many's the evening we have discussed this oddity; and the following suggestions have been made which throw light on some of the individual items. But the meaning (if any) of the whole remains obscure (to say the least).
Jus' wee - Uncle Frank thinks this may be a reference to Perdita's renowned incontinence: perhaps it was willful, not involuntary as she always maintained.
prole - the use of this derogatory word for the working classes (from proletarian) confirms the dreadful snobbery for which the family was renowned (in those days only, of course!)
Solway - There is no record of Perdita having visited the Solway Firth.
Tacky Tan was the nickname of Perdita's brother's horse; he was in a mounted regiment, and did a tour of duty in the middle east, which he always referred to as the Allah Tour.
She is a bit of a skeleton in the family closet, having been regarded as bonkers from a fairly early age.
This early example of stream-of-consciousness is undated, and unsigned. However, on the verso is written Perdita E Trovata, over and over again.
Jus’ wee! Let any prole, er, faff lank on Solway.
Let prance Tacky Tan Allah Tour happily....
Masseur, let Wally, Mort, Eamonn loot Cons telly.
Porter! Less holly ‘n’ wired lamb! A long collie.
Dom, land-weed! Tom, boat! Whack him a consul. Hey
Renoir! lap posy leap a lamb air did alley
Laugh, lurk hip lazy tanatamount curd hazy lay
and here the fragment ends, as the lines have filled the page. The lack of final punctuation may suggest that it was unfinished.
Many's the evening we have discussed this oddity; and the following suggestions have been made which throw light on some of the individual items. But the meaning (if any) of the whole remains obscure (to say the least).
Jus' wee - Uncle Frank thinks this may be a reference to Perdita's renowned incontinence: perhaps it was willful, not involuntary as she always maintained.
prole - the use of this derogatory word for the working classes (from proletarian) confirms the dreadful snobbery for which the family was renowned (in those days only, of course!)
Solway - There is no record of Perdita having visited the Solway Firth.
Tacky Tan was the nickname of Perdita's brother's horse; he was in a mounted regiment, and did a tour of duty in the middle east, which he always referred to as the Allah Tour.
Masseur, Porter - Perdita had a habit of addressing the domestic staff by inappropriate titles.
Wally, Mort, Eamonn, Con, Dom and Tom - we can find nobody in Perdita's circle of family or friends corresponding to any of these names. Various hypotheses have been advanced: secret lovers, private nicknames, or a rich fantasy life. The debate continues.
After this, the fragment seems to descend even further into gibberish: many ideas have been discussed about various terms, but nothing convincing has emerged.
And then, one day, I heard Donald Swann singing it, at the drop of a hat...
Friday, 6 September 2013
Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames
One of the delights of our holiday, which I forgot to mention in my previous post, was that the cottage in which we were staying had a copy of Mots d'Heures: Gousse, Rames.
For anyone who has not come across it, this is an extraordinary collection of early French Poetry (or so it seems).
For example, the first poem in the collection is:
If your French is a little rusty, or if you find the archaic and poetic language a little obscure, there are helpful footnotes: eg 'Un petit d'un petit - The inevitable result of a child marriage.' The other footnotes may be read here.
To enjoy these poems as they should be enjoyed, you really need to get somebody else to read them to you - ideally a French person (who will be completely mystified).
You will fall about laughing.
Failing that, try reading it to somebody else, and watch him or her fall about laughing (assuming you have a tolerable ability to read French).
For, on hearing the above poem, one hears something entirely familiar, in a beautiful French accent: and the net result is hilarity. The rest are just as good.
Update:
I have found that four of the poems are online, and can be accessed from here.
Further Update:
Thanks to the irrepressible Bruvver Eccles, who found some more online here.
For anyone who has not come across it, this is an extraordinary collection of early French Poetry (or so it seems).
For example, the first poem in the collection is:
Un petit d'un petit
S'étonne aux Halles
Un petit d'un petit
Ah! degrés te fallent
Indolent qui ne sort cesse
Indolent qui ne se mène
Qu'importe un petit d'un petit
Tout Gai de Reguennes
If your French is a little rusty, or if you find the archaic and poetic language a little obscure, there are helpful footnotes: eg 'Un petit d'un petit - The inevitable result of a child marriage.' The other footnotes may be read here.
To enjoy these poems as they should be enjoyed, you really need to get somebody else to read them to you - ideally a French person (who will be completely mystified).
You will fall about laughing.
Failing that, try reading it to somebody else, and watch him or her fall about laughing (assuming you have a tolerable ability to read French).
For, on hearing the above poem, one hears something entirely familiar, in a beautiful French accent: and the net result is hilarity. The rest are just as good.
Update:
I have found that four of the poems are online, and can be accessed from here.
Further Update:
Thanks to the irrepressible Bruvver Eccles, who found some more online here.
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