Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is the 6th birthday of this blog.

I had announced on Twitter that, in order to show how deeply comfortable I am with modernity, and to refute any sense that I have old-fashioned values and attitudes, I would celebrate by re-naming this blog Counter Cultural Parent B.

However, the indomitable Mulier Fortis threatened to remove me from her blog roll if I did so, and I don't dare call her bluff.

So instead, I thought I would mention some of my favourite posts over the years - not those my readers like most (hah, who needs readers anyway!?) but those I remember off the top of my head, without too much effort, as being fun to write or to look back on...

Hubris and treehouses and dens seem to me to capture a lot of our family's feel...

Liturgical Infantilism vs Liturgical Wisdom still seems a good post - and was the one and only post I've written that got a Fr Z Kudos!

I like to think that Methodist 'Ordinations' in a Catholic Cathedral?... contributed to the decision not to proceed with that.

And I still like Our Father's House - a short fable.

And finally, whilst I am normally lazy and shoddy with my research (if any) the one post I spent a lot of time on in a geeky kind of way, was also a lot of fun to write - and I think worthwhile: The Rubrics (?) of the New Translation

The other thing I like is my bio in the side bar - written six years ago (and only the Italian has been changed, as I got it wrong initially!) and it still seems a fair summary.

Of course, there are many other gems in the back catalogue, but I feel this post is already a bit self-congratulatory, even for a birthday celebration, so I shall stop here.

[UPDATE]

(Oh, just remembered this: as Mr Pooter said, I don't make jokes very often...  Oh yes, and this, too...)

Enough! Ed.

Bernie's 19th

Because Bernie's birthday usually falls in Eastertide, we are lucky that it is often in the holidays. It was this year, so she was home from University for it, and we had a great time.

The kids all love it when we are all together as a family, and we don't need to do anything special for it to feel like a high holiday.  A family walk, some cake and candles, some cards and presents...

And in the evening we went to the movies to see The Hunger Games, which they all enjoyed too.

As so often, the birthday put me in a reflective mood. Bernie is now halfway through her first year at University, studying Fine Art.  She is having a good time: her first term was time to settle in, make friends and so on - but the work got a bit left behind in all that, which was a bit of a problem.  This term she resolved to put more time into the work, and has been enjoying that more, too, as a result.

The fact that she identified the problem and sought advice to solve it, and then followed that advice, as well as developing her own ideas, really pleased me.  In many ways, that kind of learning is as valuable as any other at university.  She is growing into a mature, sensible and increasingly independent young lady.

And it continues to delight me that the kids love each others' company so much.

Ant hits 21!

This week we celebrate another milestone as Antonia turns 21. So that’s it: officially grown up. The first of our children to emerge at the other end from our slightly odd approach to parenting (at least by modern standards). So it is interesting to look back.

Ant is currently at University, where she is studying Maths to Masters level, and looks set to get a first class degree. She is also enjoying a lively social and sporting life. She also practices her Faith with commitment and energy, including co-founding the University’s pro-Life prayer group. She has a non-Catholic boyfriend who is teased by his friends because his girlfriend doesn’t sleep with him. She found a summer job in her first year and was so valued by her employers that they have asked her back every subsequent summer, increasing her pay each time.

Whilst I am (as you will have realised) very proud of her, I am not mentioning these things to boast, but rather because they are unexpected outcomes – at least according to the popular wisdom of the current culture.

I remember when we moved house, when she was 15. The headmaster of her new school was worried on learning that we do not have a television in the house, for religious reasons. He was concerned that we were raising her in a way that would be over-protective, leave her lacking the common ground with her peers to form effective social relationships and so on. By the time she left she had been voted by her peers as the girl they would like to have as head girl, and the head, who has the final say, interviewed her and two others and appointed her.

I have been told that by encouraging her to be modest, I was raising her in ‘a noxious environment’, in which ‘expressing her sexuality’ was ‘bad.’ Yet strangely, she is a mature, confident, and outgoing young lady, able to interact with men and women on equal terms and to have a long-term boyfriend on her terms.

So I stand by our approach, which may be counter cultural, but is actually a time-honoured method, built on the wisdom of generations and particularly on Catholic belief and practice.

Here’s a few things we did as we brought her up that may be at variance with societal norms:

• We sat together as a family for our meals
• We went for walks together on a regular basis
• We didn’t have a TV
• We read to the smaller children every night – a book worth reading
• We allowed our kids to take a lot of risks (at the physical level) such as climbing trees, exploring the local countryside unsupervised, and taking up exciting hobbies and sports (rock climbing, sailing, etc)
• We didn’t allow our kids to hang around in shopping centres or go to sleep-overs or parties where we don’t know and trust the parents concerned
• We tried to ensure our kids have a lot of fun – more than their peers
• We didn’t buy them much stuff – consumer toys etc
• We encouraged them to pursue interests like music seriously
• We (their parents) love each other and are committed to staying together no matter what…
• We pray together every day

So I guess what I want to say is: dare to be different! It really can work!

Bernie Hits 18

This weekend we celebrated Bernadette’s 18th birthday. This feels like a landmark, especially as she also effectively just finished school – the Easter holidays have started, and next term is just revision and exams. Then she’s off to University in the autumn.

All of which put me in a reflective mood. When she was born, her older sister, Antonia was two and a half. She was a good-tempered baby and the two sisters were quickly very close to each other.

However, as a toddler things grew more difficult. In particular, she found it very hard to express her emotions, so could suddenly (it seemed to us) fall into a black mood and be unable to tell us why. This could happen anywhere and we (and she) still have no idea what it was about.

On one memorable occasion, we were out for a walk, Ant and Bernie running around in a field. We eventually walked on to the stile at the far end of the field only to find Bernie had stopped. She was just standing there in the middle of the field, under a black cloud of her own making. No amount of calling or cajoling could get her to budge, Eventually I returned to her and picked her up – a fierce bundle of crossness unable to say why she was cross.

When Charlie was born, she was instantly devoted to him, and spent many hours with him on her knee, and she was likewise enthusiastic when Dominique came along.

But her moody temeprament persisted: Ant loved to devise and organise shows, where they would dress up and act out a story. On many occasions, Bernie would participate excitedly in devising the show, sorting the costumes, rehearsing – and then resolutely refuse to play her part in front of us. She tried Brownies but didn’t like the rules and uniforms. She had a spikey relationship with her grandma, and also with her early school teachers. We managed to improve those by telling the teachers how much she liked them one parents’ evening, and telling her how much the teachers liked her – from the next day things were much better, both ways.

An important influence on her and Ant was a Catholic Family group we joined. Here she met some older Catholic girls whom she loved and admired, and who continue to be role models for her. Pilgrimages to shrines in England, and eventually the legendary Chartres pilgrimage also strengthened her love of her Faith. A keen flautist, she also learned to sing Gregorian Chant. Through music and art she found ways to express herself, and her Faith, that she couldn’t through words.

As she moved into her teens, the moodiness of her childhood was left behind, and her teen years were very much easier, as she grew into a thoughtful, considerate and confident girl. I am sure that part of what helped her to achieve this was a combination of knowing she was loved unconditionally by her whole family, and knowing what was expected of her as a civilised and Catholic child.

She always loved animals, and when we moved to the country and got a puppy, she was delighted. That move also took her into a new school, where she made friends with a lovely, lively set of girls. None of them are Catholic, though some are church-going Christians. But Bernie is recognised as the most committed to her Faith, In a recent class debate, they asked her to debate with the most vociferous atheist – but each had to take the others’ position. She loved that, though found it very challenging to think of any reasons why the world might be better if we were all atheists…

Ant was very bright and hard working, and was chosen to be head girl at their school: a hard act to follow. We have always been aware of that, and have sought to help the younger children explore different paths from their elder siblings. So where Ant played the piano, and had sailing as her main hobby, Bernie plays the flute and rides horses. At school she works hard, but again has chosen very different subjects from Ant: Ant is studying Maths at University, while Bernie is studying philosophy, maths and art at 6th form, and will study Fine Art at University.

She is still my most penetrating critic – not only out of the kids, but out of the world; she observes me accurately and tells me just what she thinks: and for that too, I love her.

To celebrate her birthday, and a friend’s 18th, we organised a ceilidh in the village hall. The theme was Noah’s Ark, and all their friends came dressed as animals, and had a fabulous evening. We served lashings of juice and water, and a few of them bought a bottle of wine or two, but nobody got drunk, or misbehaved: they were a delightful crowd; and ceilidh dancing is very sociable, in sets, rather than pairs, and lively rather than lewd.

So now she is 18, and like her elder sister, still very committed to her Faith. It is tempting to feel ‘job done’ but actually, they continue to need our love prayers and support; that phase of moving out of the family into the wider world is not always easy.

So why am I sharing this here? I suppose I thought some might be interested, and also, perhaps, it may be helpful to hear that children who are difficult (and she was certainly that as a toddler and junior school girl) will turn out well if loved and taught.

Dominique's 12th Party

It was Dom's 12th birthday party at the weekend - and Bernie ran it brilliantly. They got off to a great start with a silly name game, as not everyone knew everyone else. That involved throwing coloured bean bags (little ones!) at each other whilst calling out names etc. Structured at first and rapidly descending to hilarious chaos.

Then Bernie had them running around the village on a treasure hunt - she'd planted cryptic clues all around the place, which after 30 minutes of manic charging around finally led them to a packet of chocolate coins as the treasure.

After that, she got them making sculpture out of food - biscuits, marshmallows, cocktail sticks, smarties, and so on.

Then a series of games, from pictionary to hide-and-seek. And finally birthday tea and cake.

All in all a great success. I was delighted, as there's a tendency towards competitive party-giving (swimming parties, laser-quest parties etc) that seem a bit focused on each being more extravagant than the last. But this low-tech, low-cost party was thoroughly enjoyed by all: a number said on leaving it was the best party they'd been to.

And it was great for Bernie, too...

Bernie's 16th

Bernie is 16: it's official!

She had a bundle of friends over for the night, camping in the field behind the house. We'd run power out to the tent (something we've never done before ) so it was lit with fairy lights etc. It looked lovely, but must have been bitterly cold.

Anna had mad a wonderful cake, as ever: this one shaped and decorated as a tent.

I have to say that for years I was dreading the teenage years, but so far, both she and Ant (18) have been extremely civilised. If I were superstitious, I'd touch wood at this point, as Charlie's 13th birthday is nearly upon us.

18th Birthday

It was Ant’s 18th Birthday the other day, and we were fortunate enough to get snowed in, so the kids couldn’t go to school. So they spent the morning building an igloo in the garden. It was most impressive: large enough to go inside, and it lasted for days. Grandma was giving Ant an iPod, so Bernie had spent the last few weeks collecting music form our cds and from itunes so that it was loaded with lots of stuff Ant would enjoy. It was a huge success. We bought her a day’s paragliding instruction, which she was hugely excited by (though she has yet to do it). As usual, all the kids had made her cards, and Anna did a wonderful cake.

Anna's Birthday

It was Anna’s birthday recently so at breakfast the table was awash with the cards the kids had made, as well as a few small presents they’d made and bought. I took the day off and we went for a long walk stopping for a pub lunch half way. Much as we love our children, it is important to have some time just for the two of us occasionally, and we’ve developed a tradition of doing this on her birthday, mine and our wedding anniversary.

A Busy Weekend

Lots going on this weekend, but still managed to fit in a few good walks - very cold, very windy but all wrapped up well, so enjoying the freshness. Also sang a Requiem Mass this morning (November being the traditional month to pray for the dead) - the kids are getting to know the Requiem chants very well now, and really enjoyed it.

Ant's 18th birthday coming up, so lots of things to do for that - but as she sometimes looks at this blog, I'd better not say too much about that...

Dominique's 10th birthday

It was Dominique's 10th birthday today, so we had a party. All her friends had been invited to come dressed either as a cowboy or an india, and Ant ran a series of games and activities for the two teams. Anna had made a wonderful cowboy wagon birthday cake, which went down very well and all the games had cowboy or indian themes. Unfortunately it was pouring with rain so we had to stay indoors for most of the afternoon - just one outside trip for a tug of war, which the cowboys won.