Sunday, 26 July 2015

Investors Wanted

With my astounding business acumen, I am putting together a business plan for a new, very profitable business which I plan to launch shortly. 

For a limited time, there is an opportunity for the forward-looking investor to get in on the ground floor of this innovative and highly lucrative enterprise.

Here's the scam. Very shortly, it will be both legal and lucrative to persuade people to commit suicide. 

It will be legal, because they will keep bringing the euthanasia legislation before parliament till they get the answer they want, and will then gradually extend the scope of it (to include the elimination of any opt-out clauses deemed necessary in the first instance, and then the removal of all the restraints and safeguards...)

It will be lucrative, because very soon the accountants will be able to demonstrate the annual cost of people living into their 80s (say) to the NHS and DWP; not to mention those living with any special needs. So to save NHS/DWP funds, voluntary euthanasia will be a very pragmatic option. And in the spirit of free-market enterprise, anyone helping some reach a decision should be remunerated with a small commission. 

So I plan to start an enterprise to be in pole position as soon as this becomes legally viable. We will have trained sales people, who will have a wonderfully euphemistic job title (suggestions welcome; though I am currently inclined to End-of-life Care Experts). They will use a completely non-judgemental approach to help people think through their options (ever-increasing pain and debility on the one hand, or a quick and easy end on the other) and reach the right decision. And they will collect the commission, whilst bathing in the virtuous glow of saving the NHS money.

Any takers?

5 comments:

Luke O'Sullivan said...

How about "Eternity Transitioning" as a trading name? I have registered the domain name - if you like it, you can have it for $10 Million US Dollars....

Bruvver Eccles said...

How about the body parts this business produces? Have you got a market for them lined up?

Oona said...

Very good. A family member was recently renewing some insurance and, was asked "and, roughly, how long do you expect to live ?". He did a double take and asked for the question to be repeated. The Catholic answer is, naturally, "For all eternity" but the insurance company was looking for a more prosaic response. Many of the Saints knew their death date in advance. I would love to see the expression on the face of the insurance broker who is given that information...

Bunyip Bluegum said...

This definitely sounds like a plan. Let nothing and no-one get in your way to live your dream!

Annie Elizabeth said...

You could provide counselling to help the 'customers' understand that they're not actually living, it's an illusion they've bought into through oppressive cultural conditioning. They are only only trans-alive; their essential self, their identity is actually "dead" and they must embrace that reality in order to be truly who they really are. Your company can help ease that transition.

...or would that make them trans-dead?

*confused face*